A rare vacancy has opened up at the Shap allotments, with one full plot and a half plot now available — the first openings anyone can readily remember. The news has, inevitably, divided the village.

For some it is the opportunity of a lifetime. For others, the plots' chief feature is well known: total exposure to the wind on all four sides. "You'll grow nowt that can't hold on," warned one veteran plot-holder. "Scarecrows are pointless up there — nothing stays still long enough to frighten." With the Village Show fresh in the memory, interest could be fierce, or non-existent.

There is also the matter of the soil. Some fear these are the infamous "dustbowl plots" that the late Kevin Dugg spent his life trying to nurture, coaxing from them, over many devoted years, a grand total of one carrot in three years.

Anyone keen is asked to contact the allotment secretary via the Parish Council — not, residents stress, by standing in the allotment and shouting, though this has been tried.

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The Shap Orchard Group has unveiled plans to extend the community orchard with new apple and nut trees over the coming season. The announcement was warmly received, though not universally.

An unnamed local wit suggested palm trees would be "far better suited to the conditions," citing their ability to bend in strong winds without snapping. "We've got the wind. Might as well lean into it. Literally." The Orchard Group noted that Shap is "not, strictly speaking, the tropics." New saplings will be staked at a precautionary 45 degrees "to save the wind the bother."

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Local trainspotter Nicolas Puffer, 58 — "a busybody," per neighbours; "a custodian of the golden age of rail," per himself — has launched a petition to reopen Shap station (closed 1968), on one condition: steam engines only.

"Diesels have no romance. Electrics even less," said Mr Puffer. The petition stands at four signatures, three of them his and one his mother's. The Parish Council will file it "somewhere safe"; residents note a stationary steam engine would at least be "somewhere warm to stand."

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Shap was brought to a standstill on Sunday when a bowls match on the village green drew an unprecedented crowd, causing what residents are calling "total scenes" and, by common agreement, the worst gridlock since the ice cream van.

The visiting side arrived in as many as eleven cars — comfortably exceeding the village's entire parking capacity, estimated at "about six spaces and a verge." Vehicles were abandoned the length of Main Street, one on the green itself narrowly missing the third end, and — most seriously — one blocking the entrance to the new 50p toilets. "There were a car by the war memorial I didn't recognise," said a shaken Maureen. "From Kendal, by the looks of the parking."

The blocked toilet proved a particular problem for Derek Pickthall, 61, who was left pacing outside for the best part of an hour. "I'd paid me 50p and everything," he said. "Couldn't get in. Total scenes." The Parish Council has urged calm and is understood to be considering a "one-in, one-out" system for future fixtures.

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History was made in Shap on Saturday as Shap Wanderers FC completed a full 90-minute match for the first time since 1987, the wind having dropped to what one witness called "an eerie, unnatural calm."

The game against Orton Rovers finished 0–7, but the scoreline was, for once, beside the point. "Ninety minutes. All of them. I never thought I'd see it," said an emotional manager Geoff Strickland, 58. Several players, having never heard a final whistle, carried on playing for a further ten minutes until gently informed it was over.

The corner flags remained upright throughout — a first — and the ball did not once leave the county. Derek Pickthall, 61, watched from the touchline: "It were strange, seeing it finish. Felt like tempting fate." Stormy Weathers confirms the wind returns Thursday, "and with it, normal service."

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Grave concern has gripped Shap over the beloved Spar fridge, which in the recent heat has begun making worrying noises and, witnesses confirm, shaking a little. The appliance — the town's emotional anchor since 2023 — is said to be "not itself."

"It's a different hum. Deeper. There's a rattle underneath," said a visibly anxious Maureen, one of several now keeping vigil by the meal-deal aisle. The Spar manager has pointed a desk fan at it, and Derek Pickthall, 61, has offered his recently-removed wool jumper "to keep the sun off it." A rescue fund has so far raised £4 and a button.

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